Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 


Well, it's Christmas eve, so it's time to toast to the season ("may it suffer the wrath and damnation of every last level of Dante's Inferno"), and then just plain get toasted. Miraculously, Mel & I both have the day off, and it's being spent with Gary in the comfort of an apartment none of us really have any real intention of leaving in the immediate future. Ah, to simply sit back and lounge...

But as it is a festive season, and I'm actually starting to smile over the idea of having 2 consecutive days off, I've decided to list my top 5 favourite Christmas movies. With any luck, a good portion of these will be viewed over the course of the next couple of days.

6. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (thrown in for good measure)
5. The Nightmare Before Christmas
4. Batman Returns
3. Die Hard
2. The Ref
1. A Muppets Christmas Carol


So from all of us here to all the rest of you: may you all enjoy whatever time off with friends and family you've been able to finagle out of your workplaces; may you enjoy lots of good food and booty; and I swear to God if I see any of you in the malls on Boxing Day, I will decapitate you on sight with the nearest backpack-on-wheels I can wrap my little hands around.

(With love!)


Today's Lesson: some days, when you step out of the car and discover that the entire parking garage mysteriously smells like farts, you're just better off holding your breath.
posted by Phillip at 9:04 AM

 

Here's how I spent this past last-weekend-before-Christmas.

Friday, I involuntarily had to work from 9am to 11:30pm, for a grand total of 14 straight hours of retail labour. I now understand why they call it "Moonlight Madness", considering the delerium I was in by around ten that night. I have also come to the conclusion that were he alive today, the Marquis de Sade would have applauded the whole cruel & unusual concept. Especially since I'm pretty damned sure it's to blame for...

Saturday, which was spent doing the following 3 things:

1) attempting not to pass out/collapse during my 9 hour shift
2) attempting not to vomit
3) failing miserably (and repeatedly) at #2

Despite my sister and a few friends stopping by for a brief visit later Saturday night, I barely saw any of them between paying my respects to the porcelain god (who obviously felt I'd not given him enough tribute as of late) and crashing in the bedroom from exhaustion.

Sunday saw yet another 9 hour work shift, although it fortunately saw a lot less vomit. Plus I also got to spend a few hours of consciousness where I wasn't actually at the store. Sure, I maybe had two or three surviving synapses left, but hey! At least I still had them.

Which brings us to...Monday. Where I worked. Again. Which makes this the 10th straight working day in a row, with no end or off-day in sight until Christmas.

On a related note, the next person who so much as hums a few bars of "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" around me will find that the ensuing incident will ultimately end with me saying, "And that, your Honour, is when I ripped their spine out and beat them with it."

I think that once Boxing Day is over, I'm going to sit back with a few other mates sadly trapped in retail, and we will toast to the holiday season: "To the holidays! May it suffer every last possible hell and damnation offered by each level of Dante's Inferno."

Hoo-rah...
posted by Phillip at 9:14 AM

 

I'm still alive.

Yeah, I'm pretty surprised about it myself. I don't know how it happened, but through either sheer tenacity (and a lot of caffeine) or a simple miracle, I'm still around in as existential a sense as possible. The crowds haven't killed me yet. The endless cleaning and receiving of boxes hasn't killed me yet. Exhaustion hasn't killed me yet.

On the other hand, Mel's about ready to go homicidal the instant anyone cheerfully remarks, "Don't you just love Christmas music?"

It's exactly 2 weeks until Christmas. It's not coming soon enough. But on the plus side, I got socks from my Dad for my birthday! Yay, socks! (And on a similar note: I seriously need to do laundry tonight.)

As of the moment, I'm horribly behind on pretty much any letters, Email or missives to other people--not to mention this little bit of nowhere. My apologies for that, incidentally. I'm attempting to get to you all as soon as I can. I still need to catch up with some well-wishers (thank you Kevin & Donna...and Gabe, though he sounded more like he was eating the phone at the time), get some final bits o' Commercialmas shopping done, confer (Mike, I promise I'll Email you as soon as I can), format another chapter of an SMfic, get some decorations up and presents wrapped and oh dear God the potatoes are boiling over!!!

Um...bye!
posted by Phillip at 4:36 PM

 

I am an avid Harry Potter fan. Not to the scary-obsessive level, mind you, but I remain nevertheless an avid fan. I've got all the books thus far and have read them numerous times. I've laughed at the infamous Nekkid Quidditch Match. I've written a couple of Potterfics myself, and am trying to finish a challenge from Nightbreak before the month is out. I own the currently available three movies. I won that Griffyndor scarf from Ginny because, dammit, I really wanted it (and my chibi-Cthulhu was cold and really needed the extra insulation from the winter drafts). So imagine my surprise to have just learned on Sunday, that Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire opened this weekend.

How the hell did I miss that?!

Also, it's raining pencil boards (Hallelujah?), which means I have to buy more Stickytak. Currently, Lain, Bakuretsu Hunters and Fushigi Yugi have fallen victim to gravity. Given the season and changing humidity/temperature, I expect more to follow shortly. Now my mighty wall o' shitajiki has holes. This distresses me...almost as much as the fact that I know which pencil boards fell based on where the gap in the wall is.


Today's Lesson: 24-hour grocery stores are your friend. Especially when you discover at 12:34am that you are out of toilet paper. (Not that it happened to me, mind you...)
posted by Phillip at 8:14 PM

 

Midnight is nigh. Mel's curled up under the covers in the bedroom, catching up on sleep and still in a fight against a cold--one she's slowly but surely winning. And here I sit with a glass of Malibu Rum & Coke, some tracks from the new Depeche Mode CD playing quietly in the background, and the snow gently but steadily falling outside.

If this were a movie, there'd be some sort of philosophical monologue or voice-over going on right about now. And then there'd probably be zombies. No special reason for the zombies; it's just felt like that sort of day.

Yet another long day at work, filled with more backlog paperwork I have now almost completed. Ideally there's one more shift to go, and I'll be caught up to the point where I may yet stand alone in an empty store and think, "Wow...I have absolutely nothing I could do right now." I don't think such a thing has happened in such a long time; I'll probably panic and eat next week's schedule (just in case I'm captured) when it happens.

This evening was spent finally getting to a week's worth of backlog dishes, and then later admiring how white our countertop was when it wasn't covered with pretty much every plate, bowl, pan and piece of cutlery we had. Well, there was still one lone, brave fork daring to remain in the cutlery drawer before everything else was washed...

The last few weeks have felt quite surreal, and despite the fact that we've cooked and eaten a lot of dinners at home (as the now-disbanded army of unsightly dishes once attested to), it feels like we've barely been spending any time at the apartment. I feel a stranger in an otherwise familiar place. I also feel like I've been neglecting a lot of the things that matter, and what my job is more or less paying to support: Mel, Shady & Chance, the apartment (and its current lack of "clean"), and especially myself.

Hence the creature comforts. It's been a while since I've sat back and been surrounded by quiet; I've spent so much time lately in the company of unwanted noises and vast quantities of people. Perhaps too much time. It's one of the unique differences between Mel and I: she thrives on the social interaction, even after having to deal with customers all day long, and I would rather be left alone to my own private universe.

The chance to forget about the rest of the world at large, even for just a short while, is how I unwind. Writing is one outlet that allows for me to achieve this. But especially now, the need to write isn't as strong as the need to have that "quiet" time. It helps reaffirm my belief that, while all may not be right with the world, I can still survive in it for a little longer. On a related note, I'm starting to appreciate the tranquility of those Zen Buddhist temples.

Wow...this really did turn into a sort of philosophical monologue. Which can only mean the zombies aren't far behind. Yeah, that's going to ruin the peace and quiet. But as Resident Evil has proven, blowing the crap out of zombies is also a good way to unwind and relieve tension.

Oh, and the mall started playing Christmas music yesterday. The betting pool is now open as to how long Mel (and any other poor sot stuck working out in a corridor kiosk) will last before the constant barrage of carols drives her insane and causes her to strangle the first customer to cheerfully remark," Don't you just love hearing all these Christmas carols?"

Mel's giving herself 2 weeks.

I'm impressed; I only lasted 9 days.


Today's Lesson: I don't care how many scarves are loaded onto one of the kiosk shelves. Scarves are light. Your children are not. Those shelves are NOT loadbearing shelves.

(And yet you'd be surprised at how many people are stunned when they set their kids or their full weight on said shelves, and the brackets get ripped out of the walls and the shelf goes tumbling down...)
posted by Phillip at 8:47 PM

 

There's a line from the Econoline Crush song "Flamethrower" that I think would best sum up the last few weeks so far, especially yesterday:


posted by Phillip at 5:33 AM

 


You know how, in the last little bit of nowhere, I wrote the following: The winter kiosk is up. Not in flames, mind you, but we're still optimistic. Well, those of you who joined the ensuing betting pool can check your tickets, and whomever put down "October 28" gets to claim their prize.

Now before all of you start panicking, let me reassure you both Mel and the kiosk are just fine. It was just a slight case of near spontaneous combustion on the kiosk's part this morning. On a related note...with the way the company's been on such a healthy & safety kick these days, you would think they'd maybe start investing in plastic curtains that don't melt, smoke or burst into flame should they wind up touching one of the kiosk's small potlights.

As demonstrated earlier this morning, obviously not.

From the second-hand accounts I've heard, it was blind luck a customer passing by noticed the smell and the smoke starting to waft from one upper corner of the kiosk's drawn curtain. Suffice to say, disaster was quickly averted and no smoke alarms went off, and now the kiosk curtain is sporting a pretty black, acrid hole in one spot.

Although had it been worse, the ensuing call to my district manager would have been interesting.

"Uh, hi, it's me. Before you hear any wild rumours, the scheduling for the kiosk is going to be a little strange next week. Mostly because the kiosk just burned down. Don't worry, no one's hurt, and I think they managed to save a couple of scarves too. Just FYI."

At the rate this is going, all we need is a faulty self-destruct button mounted in the kiosk, and we're set!


Today's Lesson: burning kiosk curtain, according to Mel, smells a lot like those fluffy pastries you can get in the main foyer of Toronto's Chinatown Centre. So if you happen to be nowhere near a Chinatown, and you smell something like that...you might want to take an extra step around the kiosk you're passing by.
posted by Phillip at 8:47 PM

 

Today, the seasonal winter kiosk went up. Not in flames, mind you, but we're still optimistic. (Hey, we have a fire extinguisher there, just in case!) But yes, one major stress point has passed. And let me tell you, the first day of setting up the kiosk went along with absolute perfection! Totally uneventful! Not a problem or glitch at all!

...unless you count the fact that the kiosk has no power to it, and thusly no working computer. Or lights.

Or that almost half of the shelves in our kiosk cupboards had next to nothing holding them up.

Or that the barcode scanner is missing.

Or that it will have no phone line (and subsequently no Interac or credit card connection) until late next week.

Or that a part of the floor is unstable, and liable to trip or grievously injure someone.

Or that the recepit printer is banged up and dented so badly it'll be a miracle if it even works.

Or that the curtain has no storage area or even a sash to be tied up with.

Or that the handy dandy computer reference manual is all in French (which none of us speak).

Or that our manual credit card imprinter is gimped up to the point where you can't even do manual card swipes.



Okay...so maybe there was a "hiccup" or two. Or three. Or nine...ish.


Today's Lesson (brought to by "Sir States-The-Obvious"): if it's not put together by Tom, there will be problems with your kiosk.
posted by Phillip at 7:31 PM

 

...may not be exaggerated after all. Last week involved a sidewalk sale, hiring new employees, training new employees, finalizing details on the kiosk, and changing this coming week's schedules no less than 4 times. There has been a pleasant lack of crying or thumbsucking on my part, but there has been an unhealthy and unpleasant plentitude of aggravation, shifts without breaks and wishes for big red "Easy" buttons to be installed within the store.

"Ah, but it'll be all better soon!" you cynics might scoff.

I'll agree...but not quite yet. This coming week sees one mall meeting, one manager's meeting, the set-up of our seasonal winterwear kiosk, plus a probable visit from a corporate auditor who will hopefully think I'm at least doing a decent job. Plus I have 2 weeks of paperwork to catch up on, and that's all due in about 8 days.

Things will calm down in November. Maybe. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. Granted, the Commercialmas push will officially begin about 2 weeks from now, and the crowds might start to pick up. But hey! Consider yourselves lucky: this little bit of nowhere is offering only a small slice of random, transient pessimism.Or would you rather be all angsty and emo?

I could write poetry. Really bad poetry about analogies of life and meaninglessness and oh noes!!1! I am in teh depression!

On the plus side, the last few days of reprieve have been spent at Kevin & Donna's. Joygasms have abounded, included getting a happy cheap Kung-Fu Hustle widescreen DVD (which I never did see, even though a row of them were sitting right next to their fullscreen counterparts), watching Batman Begins finally, and getting the chance to laugh with friends and forget the evil that awaits me the remainder of this week.

Nietchze was right when he wrote, "What cannot kill you will only serve to make you stronger." I doubt the tasks of this coming week will kill me, though they may instil in me a desire to send out an unholy army to kill someone else.


Don't worry, it won't be you.

Today's Lesson: spellcheck. (Or barring that, betaread/edit.) Why, you might ask? Well, go into the nearest movie store and pick up a copy of the DVD Mindhunters. Read the caption at the bottom of the front cover.

Yeah, someone probably got fired over that one....
posted by Phillip at 2:43 PM

 

Went to see Elizabethtown last night with Mel. And I rather enjoyed it, which is interesting. At its heart, it's a movie about a how the time surrounding a father's death winds up being so life-affirming for the rest of his family & kin. In terms of the life-affirming, it was exactly the pick-me-up I needed last night. And on the death perspective, I'm a guy who wants a Viking funeral and an Irish wake. Just fyi.

And somewhere along the way home, Mel wound up uttering the words, "It would have been insult to injury if they'd nabbed my car. They'd have stolen my car and my pants!" Which is particularly humourous, since there was no attempted theft of either. (And if there had been, this little bit of nowhere would have featured vast quanitities of homicidal rage.)

In the meantime, there are things to do, miles to go before I sleep, and a solid block of ice that will hopefully be a large piece of pork loin once I get it defrosted for tonight.
posted by Phillip at 5:27 AM

 

This past week has seen Mel's mother and grandmother stop by for a visit over the long weekend, wherein rice steamers were purchased (and I almost cried at being able to have a working steamer once more), an oversized chocolated peanut butter brownie of doom was consumed (nearly killing me in the process with all its sugar-shocking deliciousness), and debates ensued over whether or not poached eggs were better being poached with just water, or with a good dose of vinegar mixed into the water (I'm all for the vinegar myself).

This past week has also seen me scrambling to catch up on paperwork and tasks at the store, trying to get a working crew together for the winter kiosk that'll be opening up in just over a week, and in one unexpected (and not exactly pleasant) moment opening the store at 11am on my day off.

Ideally the worst of it is over. The brownie of doom was mostly eaten and has now gone on to legend. Three of the four people running the kiosk have been assembled, and all I need to do is start training them. And rice has been steamed in glorious amounts.

Now all I need is a day off without getting called into work, and I'll be happy. (Which happens to coincidentally be tomorrow.)


Today's Lesson: nothing suddenly wakes you up like the mall management calling and asking, "Were you aware you store has not opened yet?", despite the fact that you're certain you scheduled someone to open it.
posted by Phillip at 5:45 AM

 

Last weekend, Mel & I spent our time hanging out with Kevin and Donna, and trying to stop Gabezilla from eating...pretty much everything in sight, including Shady, which is admittedly on par for Gabezilla. It was also a weekend where Kevin and I more than anyone else indulged our inner "Jim Henson fanboy"and watched a slew of old Muppet Babies episodes.

I only mention this because of a disturbing development that has subsequently arisen: yesterday I happened to pass by a store that was playing a Pokemon episode...and Bulbasaur sounded exactly like Gonzo from the Muppet Babies. For some reason, this has brought great consternation to my world. I don't know...I feel as if a part of my childhood has been bent over a table and ordered to drop its pants.

Or my inherent concern might be due to the sudden image I had in my head of a Pokeball being lobbed into the air to the loud proclamation of, "Weirdomon, I choose you!" And then the Poke-Gonzo spots a Chocobo, falls in love and runs off, leaving Ash to face the wrath of some large beast who promptly eats him. (Possibly Gabezilla, though I don't know if he'd spit Ash back out in disgust.)

See? After reading that last paragraph, I bet you're disturbed now too! Look what terror this connection has wrought!

And now, more disturbing developments, which can be best summed up in a few words I'd like to unofficially share with my employers:

Dear Head Office,

On behalf of myself and my ailing stress-reaction system, I would like to thank you for informing me that I had less than 7 days to assemble and train roughly four people to run a winter kiosk in our mall. Sure, you could have informed me of our kiosk's arrival maybe two or three weeks ago, giving me more than adequate time to find a competent crew to run it, but I can understand your desire to see how cute I'd look the second that stunned, "deer in the headlights" expression hits me. And rightly so! At the time, I was certainly feeling that my day had not given me enough undue excitement. But then you blessed me with a near suicidal mission that would probably have resulted in me needing to break the glass of our emergency 'use in case of homicidal rage' box.

Again, I say probably, since when I checked with our mall administration, they told me the kiosk would be going in at the very end of the month. So bravo, Head Office! Way to keep me on my toes with your mixed messages, botched communications and rectal-cranial inversions! I'd applaud if I wasn't once again finding something to break the glass on our emergency 'homicidal rage' box. And believe me when I say that if your near-sighted incompetence was in fact a tangible substance, I'd ram it down your throat until you choked on it!

Thank you, and have a nice day.


Today's Lesson: when Anime and manga titles you like come out earlier than expected, it's good to have someone at the local comic store who sets them aside for you without even asking. Ah, Gemini Jetpack, could I love you more?
posted by Phillip at 8:26 AM

 


"It's a very nice house I built for you guys...try not to burn it down this time, Chaos."

"This time around, the CG is so good you swear you can lick the screen where Cloud's cheek is, and taste the bishiness."

"Gabe, I know you like me, but stop fondling my butt."
posted by Phillip at 6:52 PM

 

Being fans of Joss Whedon's sadly short-lived Firefly TV series, last night Mel & I went to see the movie/series sequel Serenity. It was nice to go on an opening night, and for once see a complete lack of teenyboppers in the audience. (Because heaven forfend anyone watches a movie that makes them think.)

And one of the primary reviewers on Ain't It Cool News was absolutely right: if you were a fan of the TV series, you will want to hug Joss Whedon and thank him for the movie. And then you're probably going to want to kick him in the testicles so hard they pop out of his nostrils. I say nothing more than that...

(Notice the total ominousness with a completel lack of spoilers?)

So what else has happened in the meantime?

Well, last weekend Mel & I spent said weekend (the first full weekend I've had off since...oh, early July) up at my uncle's cottage by Steenburg Lake. Very little of anything happened, and that's exactly why I enjoyed it so much. Lounging, swimming, board games, ridiculously happy amounts of freshly baked bread. And the highlight of it is my cousin suddenly racing through the living room at breakneck speed, shooting past me in just a shirt and his boxers as he's proclaiming, "Pants!"

Needless to say, I went back to reading my book.

The rest of this past week has been filled with me finally catching up on a lot of things at the store, to the point where the store and its paperwork seems actually presentable. And that's about it.

Yeah, I know: it's sad when one of my little bits of nowhere has only a single highlight, and it involves pants (and a lack thereof, and subsequently, a madcap crusade to locate said pants), and it really didn't even involve me.

But you'll get over it, I don't know how, one day at a time...

Today's Lesson: grenades good, Reavers baaaaaaad.
posted by Phillip at 5:37 AM

 

Never before have I been so grateful to have been watching the 11 o'clock nightly news. The very first thing they stated was, "The rumours are true: sometime tonight gas prices are going to be jumping from just under a dollar per litre, to anywhere between $1.60 to $2 per litre."

Needless to say, Mel and I didn't watch any more of the news. Bad enough it starts on such a macabre and depressing note, but with our tank nearly empty, the last thing either of us wanted was to hand off more than $60 just to fill up for gas. Especially since we'll be making a trip up to a friend's cottage this weekend.

Happily, when we arrived at a nearby gas station about 10 minutes after hearing the unsettling news, the price had barely risen above a dollar. So now we have a full gas tank at nowhere near the cost it would be today...or tomorrow.

On a related note, Mel spent most of the rest of last night looking like she was ready to kill somebody. So if you're reading this and related to the petrol industry...now is definitely not a time to take a door-to-door customer satisfaction survey from us.

In other news, Chance has apparently been doing more than I thought with my sandals. Bad enough he spends most of his evenings cuddling, nuzzling and wrestling with my sandals. Last night I also discovered he's been eating the velcro. There's an enormous bald spot on my sandals where a strip of velcro should otherwise have been! Now I know Shady doesn't play with my shoes, and I know Mel doesn't even touch my shoes, and I'm pretty damned sure that I haven't been grazing on my own footwear in my sleep. So by default, that leaves....

Thanks, kitten. Every day I think Chance couldn't be any weirder, and every day he keeps surprising me.


Today's Lesson: build your petroleum refineries further inland, you morons!
posted by Phillip at 9:24 AM

 


Power-dressing man leaves trail of destruction

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian man built up a 40,000-volt charge of static electricity in his clothes as he walked, leaving a trail of scorched carpet and molten plastic and forcing firefighters to evacuate a building. Frank Clewer, who was wearing a woolen shirt and a synthetic nylon jacket, was oblivious to the growing electrical current that was building up as his clothes rubbed together. When he walked into a building in the country town of Warrnambool in the southern state of Victoria Thursday, the electrical charge ignited the carpet.

"It sounded almost like a firecracker," Clewer told Australian radio Friday. "Within about five minutes, the carpet started to erupt." Employees, unsure of the cause of the mysterious burning smell, telephoned firefighters who evacuated the building. "There were several scorch marks in the carpet, and we could hear a cracking noise -- a bit like a whip -- both inside and outside the building," said fire official Henry Barton.

Firefighters cut electricity to the building thinking the burns might have been caused by a power surge. Clewer, who after leaving the building discovered he had scorched a piece of plastic on the floor of his car, returned to seek help from the firefighters. "We tested his clothes with a static electricity field meter and measured a current of 40,000 volts, which is one step shy of spontaneous combustion, where his clothes would have self-ignited," Barton said. "I've been firefighting for over 35 years and I've never come across anything like this," he said.

Firefighters took possession of Clewer's jacket and stored it in the courtyard of the fire station, where it continued to give off a strong electrical current.

<>David Gosden, a senior lecturer in electrical engineering at Sydney University, told Reuters that for a static electricity charge to ignite a carpet, conditions had to be perfect "Static electricity is a similar mechanism to lightning, where you have clouds rubbing together and then a spark generated by very dry air above them," said Gosden.

The link's here: news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20050916/od_nm/
australia_electricity_dc;_ylt=AlhBD1O5jHL2l2mx5rZtTO6s0NUE
;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ


In other news, I've been rereading Clamp's XXXholic and have realized that the black Mokona would fit in well with a fraternity, given all the beer he keeps drinking.

Oh, and for some reason, the second-floor landing in our far stairwell has gone rancid. Usually it smells like some kind of soup (my bets are on generic vegetable or beef), but as of late it has that funkified odour of someone who hasn't changed the diaper pail in about 2 weeks.

And most peculiarly of all, a lot of random strangers have been Emailing me and telling me that it takes too long for me to attain an erection. I find this amusing and disturbing, since it implies that Internet spyware has evolved to the point where it has an artificial intelligence...of a hormonal teenager. And it's somehow found a way to peep into the bedroom. Does this mean the next natural step will be for an Internet AI to create its own triple-X websites, then pay for an account with its father's credit card and digitally wank off to said sites?

Today's Lesson: cats cannot simply leap off the back of the couch and fly. (Contrary to what Chance would otherwise believe.)
posted by Phillip at 6:27 PM

 

Which, scientifically speaking, means that if you were to take a fairly inactive blog (such as this one), abandon it to its dust-ridden URL, and never upload the webpage...it's equally possible that the blog is (at the same time) both 100% dead and 100% updated & active.

For the past two weeks, this little bit of nowhere has been rather inactive to the point of bordering on a flatline. I can't say I'm too surprised, in all honesty. My excuses and reasons for there being an inherent lack of whimsical silliness will range from the usual "exhaustion from work" to "doing a lot of running around", to the not-so-usual "I'm still trying to purge the image of that man peeing into traffic."

Yeah, I did a double-take too.

It all began last night as Mel & I were gunning for some gas, which hit the depressingly low total of 97 cents yesterday. But hey, that's the best & lowest it's been here all week, and we were running on fumes. As we're driving down one of the main suburban roads towards the gas station, I noticed a rather peculiar sight. A van was parked along the side of the road, and a man had unzipped his pants and was openly displaying its contents.

Now I'm always one to try and give benefit of a doubt, but I had...shall we say "issues" with his peeing technique. Mostly the part where he was standing on the driver's side, on the road, and facing out to incoming traffic. I may not be an expert on the matter, per say. I don't have a Masters or PhD in Peeology (because let's face it: Tinkleology sound ridiculous). But isn't the whole concept of urinating in public based on stealth and discretion?

If so, flagging drivers down with your not-exactly-the-most-flattering-sized wang seems just plain contradictory. Which brings us to the closing remarks of the conversation that ensued after glimsping more than our fair share of Mr. Marking The Road. I must say it's the first time I've ever been forced to remark: "You know, I never thought I'd be calling a mini-van 'over-compensation' for having a small penis."

(Frankly, I'm amazed no one crashed their cars once they realized what they were seeing as they passed him by and reeled in shock.)

Many of you are probably making faces now over the excessive mention of male genitalia. But hey, it could have been worse: I could have been talking about mine. And here's where I hastily duck the incoming pitchforks, flying vegetables and large inanimate objects once fastened securely to the floor or walls.

But what about the rest of the world as I know it, you ask? What other contributions do I have to offer this little bit of nowhere? (Which would still have been simultaneously 100% dead and 100% active, if you hadn't clicked on the webpage to see if it's been updated.)

Well, for starters I haven't been doing a lot of writing. In fact, if everything I've written in the last couple of weeks totals more than 5 pages, I'll be downright surprised & impressed. And to be honest, I'm of two opinions on the whole matter. On the one hand, I loathe the feeling of atrophy (and/or apathy) I have towards writing. The spirit is still half-willing at this point. And yet, I think I've almost managed to burn myself out. Again.

The other half of me is enjoying the break and still more than content to leave any and all writing alone. For months upon months, I've fought what has felt like an uphill battle with my "Angel Electric" fic. More than anything because those months upon months have been spent attempting to get from Point A (which I finished a while back) to Point C (the last major arc in the story).

In the middle has stood the treacherous Point B, which I've long suspected has stood for "Bitch of an effort." The short of it is: Point B was meant to bridge the two major arcs, and especially help set up a lot of things that would occur around Point C. I expected Point B to last only 2 chapters at most, with maybe 30 pages each.

For the last half a year, if not moreso, I have fought, begged, bit and sacrificed to dark gods in an attempt to finish Point B. In the end, Point B earned itself the following numbers:

6: months it took to finally end the Point B arc, and reach the last hurdle
5: chapters the allegedly "short" arc wound up having
43: average length of each chapter in this arc
8: total revisions on the entire arc
47: pages of scenes that were either shortened or deleted from the fic
1.5: years I've spent working on this entire fic (either wholly or off-and-on)
0: desire I have to see the end completed as soon as possible

As you've probably guessed with that last figure, despite the end being so near, I'm trying to recouperate and regain some of my writing drive. I think that after having fought for so long just to reach Point C, my brain is interpreting this as "the end" as opposed to "the end of the second act". I'm being told to take a vacation and relax, which is more or less what I've been doing.

But I've ranted enough about that. I'm impressed I've written as much as I have for today's little bit of nowhere. Which is perhaps just as well: who knows how long it'll be before I have the energy and desire to post on a daily basis again. But before I leave you to contemplate more of Schroedinger's Blog, here is...

Today's Lesson: if you're going to pee outside your vehicle, for the love of God, turn towards the door and put your back to traffic!
posted by Phillip at 8:35 AM

 


In less than 24 hours, many young and unimpressed children will find themselves sitting inside a classroom. And I for one have never been so happy. Yes indeed, the worst of the "back to school" season will be over, and I will be free of the crowds of people who have only just realized that, "Holy crap! School starts again in less than a week!" While I hold little doubt that our store will still have significantly busy moments for the first week of school, at least I can smile in knowing that the store will still be mostly quiet until the later afternoons and early evenings.

I'm just impressed that we've survived without really needing to resort to tasers. Though I wouldn't have minded to have that around for the one or two stupid nits we encountered. And this year, the number of screaming kids was down by at least 60% (at least on my shifts), which means that sadly, we had no one to stuff into luggage and mail to our warehouse.

Now it's the tail-end of the Labour Day weekend. I'm resting, I'm recovering, and more than anything I'm wondering just why the hell our cat feels the need to put as much weight as he possibly can on my wrist, thusly pinning my hand to the keyboard and preventing me from writing altogether.

Dammit, Chance!

Oh well, I suppose it could be worse: he could be having another tawdry moment with my sandals again. (The number of times he's had flourid affairs with my footwear...I shudder to think.)

So here mostly ends the saga of one semi-maniacal little sot discovering that yes, it is possible to survive the "Back to School" season. And all you need is a little rest, a lot of Prosac, and as many episodes of Infinite Ryvius as you can squeeze into a single night.

Okay, fine, be the harsh critic about me so lightly making reference to perscribed medication. I was kidding about the Prosac. (It was actually a lot of Malibu Rum & Coke. Mostly the Malibu Rum. Ah, coconut flavouring...)


Today's Lesson: taking a break from writing is always a pleasant thing. Just so long as you don't take too many breaks, or your breaks don't become indefinite.
posted by Phillip at 9:26 AM

 

It's my parents' birthday today. Note the strategic placement of that possessive apostrophe, as in "both of them". I find it odd and rather amusing that my parents just happened to be born of the same day exactly one year apart. Added to this is that my sister's birthday was just 3 days ago.

August is a harsh month for my wallet.

And yet it's proven to round out an otherwise unique and busier-than-thou month I, for the most part, could have done with out. The busier-than-though part, mind you. The unique stuff has nicely served as counterbalance.

This past weekend, for example, was spent around a bonfire with my sister, her husband and a few good friends. A little beer and a lot of good times were had. (Sadly, there was no tequila, though I must admit the apple Sour Puss was unexpectedly tasty.) Mel tended the bonfire and ended up being dubbed The Fraulein of Fire. Granted she's still a bit stiff in the shoulder even now, but damn if she can't work a fantastic fire.

I, however, contributed significantly less to that night by creating: "The Great Wangzini: Penile Escape Artist Extraordinaire." Watch him move the zipper of his pants without any help from my hands. Yeah, I'd had a few shots before that got conjured up. Although now that I reflect on it, I can't help but suspect Steve Martin's done this somewhere already...

The remainder of the weekend was spent in the company of Kevin, Donna, Gabezilla, some live-action Sailormoon, and a whole lot of Bullshit. Pen & Teller's Bullshit, to be exact. I have to say, that series impresses me, the profanity episode especially (wherein Penn & Teller themselves don't swear at all). And I laughed quite a bit upon learning that they could easily be sued for calling so-called spiritual mediums "frauds", but are nigh untouchable if they call them "litigious motherfuckers."

So there's today's Bullshit lesson: when in doubt, call someone a "motherfucker" and not a "pathetic fraud".

Follow thus up, however, with busy days at work and a new part-timer who I'll probably have the dubious honour of firing in near future (long and "I might as well have hired a statue" kind of story), and you can imagine how that happy "almost floating on air" sensation is now gone.

But tomorrow's another day, and more importantly a day off.

For tonight, Mel's been curled up with most of Buffy season 7, I've spent a fair bit of time calling parents and grandparents in birthday well-wishes. Although after talking to my grandparents in Nova Scotia, I really want to call my grandfather in Oshawa. I'm usually the solitary type, so suddenly wanting to connect with family on more than just a sporadic is a new concept for me. I'll hopefully call him tomorrow night.

Ah, long-distance calls. Yep, August is a harsh month for my wallet.


Today's Lesson: air mattresses are a spot of sunshine in your day. Especially when they're still properly inflated when you wake up the next morning. ^-^
posted by Phillip at 6:51 PM

 

There are those priceless moments where you wish you could forever capture that look of pure and unbridled shock on a person's face. Late into the evening shift at work, I was busy helping a number of customers. The last ones in the line-up were a pair of young girls, and here is more or less how the ensuing conversation went...

Me: ^-^ "Hello, and is that everything for you today?"

Girl #1: [setting her backpack on the counter] "Yep. You know, you're really cheerful."

Me: ^-^ "You bet! It's because of the Prosac."

Girl #1: o.O;;;;;;;

Girl #2: [realizing I was actually kidding] "I prefer Ritalin myself."


And so ends your daily non-sequitor. But before we go, it's time for the super happy genki-fun (well, fun if you like stylized art and zombies) Link of the Day: http://kristyvsthezombiearmy.com/index.php Think Sam Raimi & Jhonen Vasquez working on a horror story, with Vasquez and Tim Burton collaborating on the character designs.
posted by Phillip at 8:08 PM

 


Yes, Virginia: there is an update.

This little bit of nowhere has seen a few weeks go by without any wry or acerbic comments, or even a short anecdote usually involving some injury I managed to inflict upon myself. Fact of the matter is, it's Back-to-School season. For those of you unfamiliar with what it means at my store, picture the following:

A line-up of roughly 10 people. This line will never shorten or change length for roughly 4-5 hours straight. Welcome to the average afternoon I'm seeing. While it's arguable that "hey, at least it's not so quiet you're bored out of your mind anymore", I think there's also something to be said for not having to endure, "Can't we just shoot all these people and give ourselves a moment's peace?"

So the chances are pretty good that over the next 2-3 weeks, there will be little of me to be seen or heard. I'll probably be curled up under the couch, wrapped in a blanket and chanting to myself, "Can't sleep, customers will eat me."

Or else I'll be staring at my fic, and demanding angrily why this one arc simply won't let itself end. Every time I think I'm that much closer, suddenly ten more pages have appeared and I'm no fewer scenes away from the denoument. If it wasn't for the fact that I want so badly for this epic monster to at long last end, I swear I'd take a break after this just to recharge. Oh well, can't complain entirely. At least I'm still managing a bit of writing in amidst this period of work.

But in the meantime, chances are that amidst the work shifts from hell, there will be friends to meet, tents to sleep in and cold pills to buy, as I seem to be coming down with a case of the summer sniffles.

But at least I can leave you all with Today's Lesson: never pour half-frozen milk onto your cereal. Corn Flakes are crunchy enough without the added ice.
posted by Phillip at 5:39 AM

 

Or, three little words, depending on your sense of grammar technicalities. Or two words and one number. Or two words and a pair of hyphenated words. Or just a bunch of random letters of the English alphabet strewn together in an attempt to summarize Friday. But in any case, this perfectly and adequately describes my mood at the end of of yesterday:

Sixty-four friggin' boxes....



posted by Phillip at 5:49 AM

 


Today: .did you know that a canister of compressed shaving gel has a spray radius of at least 5 feet? That means if you're standing in front of the sink and completely miss spraying the gel into your hand, said gel will manage to make it all the way into the bathtub!

Simply, scientifically amazing!

(Hey, don't worry, I cleaned it up.)
posted by Phillip at 5:45 AM

 


It’s Tuesday night, and I am sunburned. So very, very sunburned. But fortunately, I am not operating at the same wavelength as a catatonic squirrel--unlike yesterday.

It all began Saturday night, when Mel, Shady & I saddled off to visit Carly. At her invite, the plan was to attend the newly reinstated (and hopefully soon to be permanent) Renfair. From the sounds of it, about a month ago, some people rallied together and saved the Ontario Renaissance Festival--which used to be in the Milton area, and as of last year, closed down. For this summer, the Renfair has been relocated to Hamilton’s Royal Botanical Gardens. Mel talked to one of the vendors there, and from the sounds of it, negotiations are underway for (ideally) a 25-year contract.

I remain very optimistic about this turn of events.

But we get ahead of ourselves. Back to Saturday night! (Insert Bay City Rollers joke here at your leisure.) Saturday night was spent in the company of my sister and her husband, Jorrit. His family’s house (read: big-assed house with a kitchen I’m insanely jealous of), located just outside of Brantford, happened to be empty all long weekend.

That night, I discovered that baked salmon tastes really good with a pesto sauce and pistachio nut mix; Shady and Sinatra ran around the open grounds, got into some mud and probably marked a lot of trees; and Mel was not entirely surprised to learn that I slept through Jorrit entering the house with his boombox blasting at full volume, and didn’t even notice.

(Alas, the outdoor Jacuzzi was not operational. Le sigh!)

Which brings us to Sunday morning. Carly, Mel & I spent it quietly and peacefully waking up amidst hot chocolate and sunshine on the outdoor patio. Jorrit spent it recovering from a particularly nasty hangover. As a result, just the three of us headed off to the Reinfair, which is probably just as well, since Jorrit was able to look after the Shih- tzu’s.

And so we reach the Renfair. Given how all of this was set up last-minute, and they didn’t have any permanent grounds to set up buildings, I can understand how this summer it was a shadow of its former self. But again, I’m more than happy to allow the rebuilding time if we’re able to get a permanent Renfair again.

The day was perfect for a Renaissance festival! There were few clouds in the air and the sun was shining…all over me. Hence the sunburn. Although it’s the weirdest sunburn I’ve ever had. My forehead is burned (natch), though it noticeably fades as it follows my cheekline. And I’m burned on either side of my neck, but not down the middle where my windpipe is. Is my chin really that pronounced?

And half of the backs of my hands are noticeably tanned as well. Only half, you say? Yes indeed, right below the knuckle line is a visible curve where pale skin meets tanned skin. Which brings us to Today’s Lesson: leaving your hands half-stuck in your pant pockets out in the hot sun all day long brings with it strange consequences. Very strange indeed…

But back to the Renfair! Despite being only at half-strength, it was still a great afternoon. All three of us thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. A lot of the players/actors from before were still walking around in full character and regalia.

Majestic birds of prey dive-bombed children in rousing flight demonstrations. Jerky was bought no less than five minutes after entering the fairgrounds. (Alas, no salmon jerky this year for me to try. But the teriyaki beef was just as delicious as always!) Mud shows re-enacted the story of Little Red Robin Hood…it was so much like a Chaosfic, I almost cried tears of joygasmic bliss.

And for part of the afternoon, we visited the Botanical Gardens too. Hey, why not? It was included with the price of admission to the Renfair. (Insert not so subtle hint for those living nearby to attend the Renfair this summer themselves and show their support.)

The transport of choice was a double-decker bus, driven no less by two English gents. (The accent gave them away.) And dammit, both times we rode the bus, we were beaten to the front seats on the top level. For the trip to the gardens, we weren’t close enough to the door, and a family beat us to them. On the return trip our remarks about wanting the front seat were apparently overheard by a Chinese family with two kids, and they made a point of standing in front of the main doors. Carly and Mel wanted to throw me into the stroller, thusly creating a diversion so they could snag the front seats; regrettably, right as we were about to put this brilliant and cunning plan into action, the drivers arrived, and once again a family beat us to the good seats.

The gardens themselves were absolutely beautiful, both the indoor and outdoor gardens. Although I’m despondent about not being able to see any of the lizards they said were running around one of the greenhouses. Give me my lizards!

Soon enough, it was time to return to the Renfair, where more interesting things happened. Hedge mazes that were on the garden map (but apparently not actually there) were sought after in vain. Large turkey legs were purchased and gorged on. Jousting was witnessed, as well as a lot of wincing as the 10-foot solid pinewood lances shattered with sickeningly painful noises against the armour of the knights. And naturally, a lot of water was consumed over the course of the day. I attempted to dance along with a group of Celtic performers who caroused through the fair…and was subject to a threat of death or two from Mel, who evidently does not think my Gimpy Dance (patent pending) is sexy. More leather roses were bought to add to our collection.

At the end of the day, meads and ales were sampled. Pub songs were sung in loud voices and little harmony. And then Carly got a call on her cell phone. Her friends, whom she had invited that night to dinner and totally forgot about, were just letting her know that they were on their way to Jorrit’s family’s house.

Oops.

Well, my favourite song had already been sung --“Bartender, Please Fill My Cup”, where the choruses end, “For tonight we’ll merry merry be…tomorrow we’ll be sober. Or “hung over”, which is most apropos in Jorrit’s case. So I didn’t mind dipping out early from the pub-sing. Besides, at the grocery store we stopped by for meal ingredients, I found $45 sitting in the parking lot. Poor bills…sitting there all forlorn and abandoned. I just couldn’t walk by them without the humanitarian in me crying out to take them in and find them a good home.

My, I’ve never heard so many coughs that sound so much like the word, “Bullshit.”

But yes, money was found, with half of it going to Carly for meal expenses. Dinner itself, for as hastily assembled as it was, looked really classy and was quite delicious. All in all, a great end to a really fantastic day.

But like all good things, this one came to an end Monday morning. Stupid Conestoga Mall, being open on a civic holiday…

It’s just as well the entire day was incredibly quiet, and the mall itself was filled with very few people. Still recovering from Sunday, and now contending with a none too pleasant sunburn, I spent all of Monday shuffling around like a zombie. I even wound up crashing at 9:30 in the evening, leaving Mel to watch the Nadia anime on her own.

(As a sidenote: Nadia is an over-opinionated tit, and episode 26 is a waste of twenty-two minutes of animation. Oh, and Gary: you’re missing discs 3&10 of the series.)

Yet today is another day, and after lots of applications of skin cream that has left me smelling like raspberries or kiwi (the dream of every man, I’m sure), I’m happy to say that my sunburn has been downgraded from “Pain! Lots of pain!” to “mild nuisance.”

On the other hand, if any of you happen to be around the Middlesex Community College in Connecticut, could you please go to their Financial Aid office and on behalf of Mel…give them a swift kick in the ass? I mean, their heads are obviously shoved so far up it already, one good kick might send their heads all the way back up to where it should be resting.

It’s taken homemade pizza, a really long backrub, and a rental of the last disc of Chrono Crusade (which, for a cute comedic series ends on one hell of a downer) to pull her out of homicidal rantings.

Mel would like to add here, “I am not homicid…well, yes I am. But that’s beside the point!”

So there you have it: one entire long weekend crammed into three pages. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go let Shady chase after night rabbits and sniff every tree she comes across.
posted by Phillip at 7:52 AM

 


It's raining Sanyo. (Hallelujah!)

No, really. When you're walking by a large apartment complex, one of the last things you really expect to hear is this loud crash not ten steps away from you. Even moreso, when you walk up to the source of this "crash!" you're really not expecting to see the remains of a functioning cordless phone splattered on the driveway.

Well...it was functioning before its unexpected plummet down 17 storeys.

Which brings us to today's lesson: it's not necessarily a good idea to be talking over a cordless phone on your open balcony. When it comes to a battle of cordless phone versus gravity...gravity will always win.

And how do I know it feel 17 storeys, you ask? Perhaps I'm just exaggerating, and it only tumbled down 10 floors. Well, when the owner who had been using said phone moments before its sudden and fateful encounter with the driveway suddenly peers out from over his balcony and shouts, "It's mine! Could you bring it up here, please! I'm on the seventeenth floor!", I'm inclined to believe him.

Beyond that, the week's been alternating between rather quiet (and thusly relaxing) days, and what could only be described as "a pisser of a day, and now if you'll excuse me, my liver and I are about to commiserate the remainder of the evening."

Speaking of, I have to go procure some of my precious Malibu Rum before the LCBO workers go on strike and deny me the added flavouring in my Coke. But on the plus side, at least Mel's Coronitas can be acquired in any non-striking beer store!

(Oh, and for all you Harry Potter fans out there...please pay no attention to Mel's lemonfic idea involving Hagrid, ferret-Draco, and Dumbledore's corpse. For the love of God, please don't encourage her!!)
posted by Phillip at 4:36 PM

 

Last week, it was all about the sidewalk sale that left us scrambling around, trying to get stock done, customers rung in, and helping the store look at least mildly presentable. And in the midst of that, me disappearing every other day for one work-related reason or another (ie, meetings), only to return to discover that the store looked less than presentable.

This week...it's a mini inventory count. All wallets, all the time. While the plus side is that most of the count has already been completed, leaving me the optimisim that I won't have to spend 4 hours in the store after Saturday close. (Which, might I add, would be spent alternating between counting and just plain losing my mind. Did that last year, wasn't all it was hyped up to be.)

Even still, I'll be thrilled when this week is over. I like being able to stand back at work and unwind just a little bit, as opposed to running around maniacally non-stop for seven hours.

In literary news, I rather enjoyed "Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince" (despite going in knowing who was going to die and by whose hand...thank you Internet trolls). On the other hand, "The DaVinci Code" is shaping up to be a good idea wrapped in a really choppy narration where apparently everyone just conveniently knows all these obscure little details relating to the code.

And that's all for today...or this week...it's time to return to the store and (shock! gasp!) count more wallets!

Today's Lesson: starting a task early means not needing to panic closer to the due date. (It also means not spending 4 freaking hours in the store after-hours, counting the maddening multitudes of wallet I'll eventually want to strangle with my bare hands.)
posted by Phillip at 5:43 AM

 

Yesterday there was a power flicker, due to local thunderstorms. This in turn reset our answering machine, and the task was left up to me to rerecord the "I'm not home" reply.

And so, for roughly 30 seconds, had you called our apartment you would have heard the following message:

"You've reached [insert phone number here]. We're not in to take your message right now, so please leave your beep after the call...Shit!" This was immediately followed by the loud and audible sounds of Mel laughing herself silly.

Well, at any rate I got it mostly right.

Mostly....


posted by Phillip at 8:12 AM

 

Well, this past weekend came and went, and with it the ceremony that saw my sister married off to a great guy...whose parents own a kitchen that I am now insanely jealous of. Carly & Jorrit said their vows and their "I do"'s, and looked incredibly happy together. With the exception of a slight hiccup with the cordless mic, everything couldn't have gone off better. The weather was near perfect, Mel looked fantastic in her bridesmaid's dress (with the head of the wicked seamstress of the west mounted on a pike out on our balcony), the catering was excellent and pretty much everyone partied at the reception until late, late at night.

Though I must admit, it did prove rather interesting seeing two of my three cousins (all younger than Carly) get absolutely blitzed before the night was out. To put things into perspective, the open bar began just after the wedding ceremony, which puts it in around 4pmish. Everyone had a beer in their hand the next time I saw them. By the time we were halfway through the dancing, every time Erika tried to stand up straight she stumbled sideways into a row of chairs. And in the end, I got the pleasure of helping escort my two (youngest and) blotto'd cousins to the van where there parents were waiting.

This is a more difficult task than you'd think, especially when you're following a very long and winding driveway through near pitch-black, and your sloshed cousins suddenly decide to walk (read: stagger) in two totally opposite directions. Though I did learn what Brett's favourite profanities are; he confided them to me before deciding he had to mark a tree.

Today's Lesson: you can dance to anything if you're sufficiently smashed enough.
posted by Phillip at 5:16 AM

 

There's the old addage of: when it rains, it pours. This generally tends to refer to all things dull and ugly, plus all creatures short and squat, and all things rude and nasty. (but the Lord God made the lot!) But the proverbial downpour can also encompass the good things in life too, as the optimists are quick to point out amidst an explanation of how the glass of water is half full...and I then argue that, half-full or half-empty, I'd still ordered a Coke.

Anyhoo, today has found me in a most unexpected bind of literary worlds. Mostly, there are suddenly a lot of books for me to read in a very short amount of time. As many people already know (and are no doubt counting down the days), the next Harry Potter book hits bookstores like an errant comet a week this Saturday. I pre-bought my book at one of the stores in the mall, so all I have to do is walk in, flash my special receipt and walk out with my happy new hardcover.

Naturally, I've been working through the series once more as a bit of a refresher. Order of the Phoenix is currently reminding me of how Gred & Forge are utterly cool. Now herein lies the quandary. I'll easily be able to finish rereading OotP within the next week and a half.

However, two books from the public library have suddenly arrived for me. A long time ago, I reserved the now infamous Da Vinci Code to see what all the hype (or fuss, if you're Catholic) was about. At the time, there was a waiting list of roughly 37 people in front of me. I'd all but forgotten the reservation I had on it until suddenly the library called and told me it was ready for pick-up. So now I have 3 weeks to read The Da Vinci Code before the book goes to #39 on the waiting list. And finish OotP. And then read Harry Potter & The Half-Blood Prince.

But wait...there's more.

When it first came out, I'd really wanted to read Clarke's 800-page epic Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. Alas, most of the time I didn't have the $40 to shell out for the book. And when I had the money to spend, all of the copies I could find had horribly bent or mangled covers. (I'm not the type to expect a perfectly pristine book when I buy it, but if there are to be horrible bends or manglings, I'd like to at least have the satisfaction of having done it myself.) Likewise, the library's waiting list was about as long for this as it was for the Da Vinci Code. So I gave up and relegated myself to pining for the book as it taunted me on the bookshelves.

And then unexpectedly, as I was picking up the Da Vinci Code, what did Mel spot sitting upon "The Latest Releases" display but Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell. It's like the damned thing was simply waiting for me to show up, and had arranged itself in a sort of shrine. No other books surrounded it, making it very easy and obvious to spot. Having still believed that there were still another 15 people on the waiting list, I was quite joyous in seeing that a spare one had offered itself up for my reading pleasure.

Upon rereading that last sentence, I've suddenly realized it sounds disturbingly sexual. On the other hand, a hardcover book that big couldn't fit down my pants even if I tried to wedge it in with a shoehorn and lots of Vaseline.

Upon rereading this latest last sentence, I've suddenly realized it sounds even worse than it's "last sentence" predecessor.

So, at last count, I have The Da Vinci Code and Strange & Norrell to read sometime in the next 3 weeks, or possibly 4-6 weeks if no one else has either reserved after me. And I'd like to finish OotP before beginning HBP. And I'd like to finish HBP sooner rather than later, as I know fans will be debating/bitching about the plot twists within 48 hours after the book's release date, and I'd rather avoid the spoilers and be surprised all on my own, thank you very much.

But at least, amidst all of these large and long texts, I still found time rampage through the latest volume of Negima. Ah, Negi...how you so give me my pleasurably guilty doses of fantasy & fanservice. If all the other books are entrees, this would be dessert.


Today's Lesson: half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. But half a bee, has got to be, vis a vis its entity.

(Ladies and gentlemen: the dangers of listening to Monty Python Sings! whilst writing a blog entry.)
posted by Phillip at 1:32 AM

 

You know, I've never really been one to subscribe to astrology. I find it's more "pick & choose" conjecture than anything else, and you can easily make up whatever you want about what your day's going to be like. At the same time, I know there are people who swear astrology is the be all & end all of existence, and they are adamant that the harmonious forces in the universe will guide them through their day to day lives. Astrology, they say, is respectable and its adherents should be respected.


Russian astrologer brings interference case against NASA comet probe

MOSCOW (AP) - NASA's mission that sent a space probe smashing into a comet raised more than cosmic dust - it also brought a lawsuit from a Russian astrologer.

Marina Bai has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.

The probe's comet crash sent up a cloud of debris that scientists hope to examine to learn how the solar system was formed.

Bai is seeking damages totalling 8.7 billion rubles ($300 million US) - the approximate equivalent of the mission's cost - for her "moral sufferings," Izvestia said, quoting her lawyer Alexander Molokhov. She earlier told the paper that the experiment would "deform her horoscope."

<>NASA representatives in Russia could not immediately be reached for comment. Scientists say the crash did not significantly alter the comet's orbit around the sun and said the experiment does not pose any danger to Earth.


And I think that sound I just heard was the sound of respectability being flushed down the crapper. For those curious, the link to it was here:

http://news.sympatico.msn.ca/OddNews/ContentPosting.aspx?contentid=679f97a03af3475
fb1d4d60d39bf0089&show=False&number=0&showbyline=True&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc


Today's Terrible, Horrible, No God Very Bad Discovery: http://www.pumpkin-porn.com/ (and just as you will all no doubt curse me, I curse the friend who sent me this link.)



posted by Phillip at 5:45 AM

 

This title would admittedly work better and sound quirkier if my name was in fact Marguret. But that would subsequently mean one of two possible things: my parents were on some sort of drug when they named me (ah, to be a Dweezil!), or Mel's a lesbian.

In any case, at the very least the weather hasn't been as sit-in your-own-puddle-of-sweat as it was last week. A very happy thing in my mind. And while not a lot of anything has been done, I've been enjoying myself.

Mel on the other hand will be either killing the people doing to alterations to her bridesmaid's dress for my sister's wedding, or else letting the mother-in-law of the bride do the killing for her. Long story short, the place the bridal store recommended would be better off if it was rendered a large, empty crater. Today gets to see a couple of irate bridesmaids potentially calling in the scariest thing imaginable: Mrs. Kivenan, the mother-in-law, who loves my sister to pieces and by all descriptions, if she's unleashed on the tailors doing (and more to the point, not doing or doing half-assed) the alterations for Mel's dress, her wrath will resemble that scene in Raiders where the Ark of the Covenant is opened at the end.

I'm sure an update of bloody retribution and a karmic "fuck you" will come along in a day or two. In the meantime...

Today's Lesson: happy late night reading comes at a cost. Namely wishing your alarm clock would melt the next morning as it starts beeping at you.
posted by Phillip at 5:41 AM

 

No, Blogula isn't referring to anything in particular. I really just felt like keeping with the blog/horror movie hybrids of the last few bits o' nowhere. Besides, it sounds better than Creature from the Blog Lagune, or Night of the Living Blog, or even The Wereblog. And Pumpkinblog just sounds silly.

Today's little bit of nowhere, rather, deals with a changing of the guard. Namely our apartment's refrigerator. It's nice to once again have a freezer that (shock! gasp!) actually freezes the food articles inside of it. While the downside is that the fridge is overall smaller than our last one--small enough for Mel to easily reach up and grab anything off the top of the fridge--at least it keeps food pleasantly chilled, and allows for more freezer space.

Of course, perhaps our new fridge works a little too good.

Last night we decided to have scrambled eggs for dinner. I took our last 5 eggs from the freezer, set down a mixing bowl, and cracked the first egg's shell against the rim of the bowl. There was a resounding "Crack!", which was followed by a whole lot of nothing else. The shell now sported an impressive slender hole, but failed to split in half.

Make whatever jokes you will about my toothpick arms and upper body strength (and inherent lack thereof), but I know I'm not so feeble that I can't crack an egg open with one hit against the rim of a mixing bowl. So, undaunted, I smacked the egg shell against the bowl a second time. And a third time. And a fourth time.

By then, I knew that damned egg was silently laughing at me. It now sported a couple of dents and gouges, but simply refused to break in half. So one last time I raised my arm and delivered the crushing blow. The egg shell finally split into two halves, and I removed the top half.

The egg yolk still retained it's original, ovaloid shape.

Yes, that's right: our new fridge froze the egg right down to its little yellow core. As solid as an ice cube. It also posed a slight problem, as scrambling egg yolks together requires said yolks to be in a semi-solid state only, and not a solid, "hand me the icepick!" state. It's hard to get this spoupy mix when you've got a bunch of yellow balls rolling around in the mixing bowl. The problem was eventually solved with a little hot water applied to the remaining 4, frozen eggs, and a little elbow grease. But suffice to say, the temperature in the fridge has been decreased.

Of course, I suppose I should have seen the warning signs: a bowl of pre-diced onions we had from the day before was also sporting onion bits covered in a nice layer of ice.

Speaking of frozen things, I heard that last week Snapple attempted to break the world record for the largest frozen drink (roughly 2 storeys high). However, Mr. Sun seemed to have issues with this, and in the end Snapple only ended up with the record-breaking largest puddle of pink goo. Maybe trying to pull this feat off during the first day of summer wasn't the best idea after all....

Today's Lesson: certain colours/brands of Stickytac will in fact melt in the summer heat & humidity...unfortunately. Dammit, that's the third pencil board this week that's just started slooooowly sinking down towards the floor.
posted by Phillip at 10:38 AM

 

posted by Phillip at 5:48 PM

 

Days have passed. Manga has been purchased. Food has been wrangled and eaten. And somewhere in the middle of it all, I faced the wrath of Mel and still live to tell about it. Suffice it to say, habits are unfortunately hard to break--like always making doubly sure you have keys so you don't accidentally lock yourself out. (Which I have on two occasions in the past...one during winter, and I'd rather not repeat that adventure ever again if I can help it.) This almost paranoid precaution falls flat whenever said keys are supposed to be left behind. But I have made my prostrations, taken my lashings, and in the end all is forgiven.

Now all that's left is to clean. There's going to be a lot of that happening over the weekend. Mostly because Mel's family will be visiting for most of next week. It's just as well; the apartment hasn't really had a thorough once-over like this in a long time. Although it's frightening to scrub the fridge and discover it's actually a shiny white colour, and that the odd-looking sealant along the base of the floorboards is actually some sort of foresaken grease & dirt combination. And to think: it's been like that since we moved in.

What the hell were the former tenant(s) doing in here?!

Oh wait...I've suddenly remembered their old swingers magazine we found in the closet. Nevermind. Ignorance is bliss.

Pleasantly enough, the weekend weather has been mostly grey and especially wonky, which means that there will be no blistering heat while we fix up the apartment. I am very thrilled with this. It's never really a good thing to just sit in the shade and sweat. That's contrary to all the laws of summer: where there's shade, there should be a mostly inherent lack of sweat.

You know, it now occurs to me that there were a number of colourful anecdotes I wanted to add here...but damned if I can remember them all. They were quirky and quite entertaining, I'm sure. Except for the ICM (Intercontinental Bukkake Missile) idea. That's another "ignorance is bliss" moment. Indulge in it. You'll be happy you did.

Today's Lesson: when Mel calls you and excitedly tells you about the long-awaited Card Captor Sakura DVD box sets, hold the phone at least a foot away from your ear. This ensures you will not be deafened by the excited chorus of, "Wai wai wai wai!!!!!"
posted by Phillip at 5:32 AM

 

And not only is it a quirky title, but it's also pretty accurate. Especially where Mel is concerned. If she ever gives me the sad, pouty look because of something she'd like but cannot have at that particular moment, I suddenly have the willpower of a piece of tin foil. Mel knows this, and often uses it to her full advantage--if anything, just to see how much she can aggravate me by using it.

Then again, given yesterday's wonderfully pleasant weather (and by "wonderfully pleasant", I really do mean "wonderfully pleasant if you're living in Egypt"), she didn't have to twist my arm all that much to get me to buy a chocolate milkshake.

With 2 fans going in the apartment, and the balcony door cranked wide open, we're managing to get some (but not a lot) of air circulation. I find this whole humidity matter quite maddening, personally. It seems like everytime Kitchener gets a large rain or thunderstorm that drops the humidity back down even for half a day, Mel & I are elsewhere visiting friends or family. What is this, a cloud conspiracy? Are they watching for our car, and when they see it leave the city limits, they happily exclaim, "Okay, they're gone! Let's party!"

I've just likened the weather to a bunch of teenage kids being left at home overnight by their parents. Yeah, it's still too damned hot....


Today's Ridiculous & Scary Thought: if you combined a magical girl with our puppy, would you in turn wind up with Bishoujo Shih-tzu Sailor Shady? And just what kind/colour of fuku would she be forced to wear?
posted by Phillip at 5:35 AM

 

On the days you'd rather be somewhere else other than the store, the mornings when you'll probably survive so long as the customers stay away...that's when you'll encounter that one single customer who elevates your level of potential rage from "easily annoyed" to "I need a favour and an alibi". One such customer strolled into the store this morning, at a time when all I wanted was to just stand in an empty, quiet store and wait for the two extra-strength Tylenol's to kick in. The morning had already begun on an optimistic note, where I woke up to a humid bedroom, with a nasty crick in my neck and a body attempting to fall asleep on me while I was in the shower.

To keep the gory details short, this woman wouldn't really shut up, and always repeated the same things over and over, and kept running around the store going "Tell me the price of this" when the price tag dangled right in front of her face. And then she wanted to see things that required a ladder in order to bring them down, and upon examining then she'd state they were too childish-looking and she didn't want to use luggage meant for kids. (To which I muttered something that almost sounded like, "Then why'd you ask for it in the first place, you nit?") In the end, she walked out of the store--empty-handed, indecisive and alive--and I congradulated myself on pulling off the seemingly impossible by not openly strangling her in the store.

Ah, self-discipline.

In other news, you'd be surprised at how easily it is to mistake a jug of cold water with a jug of that new Invisible Koolaid. Which brings us to Today's Lesson: Gabriel does not like drinking a bottle filled with Invisible Koolaid.

(Oops.)


posted by Phillip at 6:49 PM

 

Today's being spent in Brantford with Kevin, Donna and a particularly cranky Gabriel. I can't say I blame him for being all that cranky; the +30 temperature with added humidity today would make anyone cranky.

During the car ride up, Mel and I got to discussing what sort of Anime characters we're most like. Not necessarily in physical attributes, or in a 100% personality match, but just what sort of traits do we see in each other that are similar to other characters in any given Anime. Yes, I know, the otaku in me is geeking to the surface again.

I have to say that overall, I find Mel is very much like Yukino from KareKano: she's cute, sweet, very loyal to her friends, everyone seems to like her...and she's definitely not without an evil, demonic side that can and does come out when someone manages to seriously piss her off. While I can't picture Mel with that demon-Yukino face, I can certainly see her charging down the hall hellbent on destroying someone. In fact, I've seen her do that. In fact, I've been the reason she's charged down the hall, hellbent on destruction.

She's also got a bit of Sailormoon's Ami (a bit of the shyness, a lot of intelligence and unknowning sexiness that comes with it), and a lot of Read or Die's Yumiko--namely the bookworm. I fear what kind of library Mel would have if she had the resources to buy and read all the books she wanted. Mel and Yumiko both also have an impressive set of cleavage.

Oh look, there's demon-Yukino Mel charging down the hall towards me now....

By the same token, Mel's got a bit of Sakura (Card Captor Sakura) in terms of just that infectiously cute don't-you-just-want-to-take-her-home-with-you personality. Especially when she's embarrassed, blushing, or letting out startled squeaks when you unexpectedly grope her chest.

Ah. I see demon-Yukino Mel's back again. Please excuse me as I get my kidneys shoved up my nose...





...Well, that was fun in a "Grey's Anatomy as told by Violence Jack" sort of way. But to round out the Anime personalities I see in Mel, there's just one final person I have to add. Namely a catgirl. Anyone who's been around Mel long enough knows about her neko-ish tendencies, especially her nyu'ing. (As I recall, Mel & Ysabet had a lengthy conversation in the language of "Nya" at AN this year, the content of which I still haven't a clue about.) But with the cute catgirlishness ( <-- ooh look, horrible word hybrid!) also comes the potential and penchance for wanton destruction and gnawing on my arms, shoulders, neck or hands. As a result, and while Mel can't really bring herself to see the similarities, I must also add that Mel's also got a bit of Outlaw Star's Aisha ClanClan in her.

So there you have it: a very fun and unique personality chart/comparison that will be immediately lost on anyone either not into Anime, or if they haven't seen any of the aforementioned series. Ah, geekery...

As for me? All Mel could do was shake her head and say: Asaba, from KareKano. Her brain shut down after that and refused to consider any other possibilities for its own safety. I'm rather looking forward to seeing what other deranged bishies she can parallel me to. Or else a Puchuu bear. An inner, non-sequitor Puchuu is probably there too...


Today's Lesson: when playing any Mario Party game for the Gamecube, you are much safer if you're on the opposite team from me. It's flattering in a twisted way to know that I am in fact a corporeal handicap for any team. I wonder if this means I can start renting myself out as a cooler in gambling halls over the weekends...
posted by Phillip at 7:44 AM